


If We're Being Honest

by frustrataed



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26477176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frustrataed/pseuds/frustrataed
Summary: Home is where the heart is, but you've lost yours.
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/You, Levi/Reader
Kudos: 38





	If We're Being Honest

**i**

It’s the first time you attend dinner after the horrible events of the last expedition. One month has passed since you and your comrades have returned to the temporary safety the walls provide. One month since your nightmares have started and a few days before you decided to stop sleeping at all. 

Death means nothing to you, it’s an indifferent occurrence that loves playing games with possibility. One day it could be you, the other day somebody else. Death, unlike people, does not discriminate between the privileged and the oppressed, the evil and the noble, the cowards and the fighters. It just hovers over and consumes souls, since the flesh has been already eaten most of the times. 

Since you have learned to live with death since its cloud has never failed to abandon you and the people surrounding you, why, why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt so much waking up alone in the shared bedroom? Why does it hurt like you’ve been stung by thousands of bees?

Blood bonds are strong, you conclude. Blood bonds and the time spent with someone. And when they leave you forever, the gut-punching feelings trail along for the rest of your years, until the moment your lungs exhale you goodbye.

Death as it is means nothing to you, really. Your sister’s death, on the other hand, means everything. Your younger sister is in the pillow you lie on, in the empathetic looks of Historia, she’s in the hugs of Eren, she hides in your gear and swords, she listens to your short conversations with Erwin...She’s everywhere, in the corner of your room at night, in your head in the morning and throughout the whole day. Her hands are constantly against your throat, for you weren’t with her during her last moments, for you let yourself get carried away, for you didn’t avenge her by killing the Titan that cut her in half, for you chose to collapse in your Captain’s arms and close your eyes.

The weight will never be lifted off of your shoulders, you’re more than aware; not even after your own death. Your ghost will always wander in lost lands and abandoned battlefields, seeking some kind of peace through the ruins of humanity.

Everyone falls silent as you walk into the dim-lighted room. You haven’t eaten properly in days, yet your stomach has not yet complained, You’re only craving some tea, to help you stay awake for as long as you can last, for as long as you can go without nightmares filled with blood, guilt and your sister’s dead body. You grab a cup and pour yourself some hot tea before spotting the table where your friends were. You give them a knowing glance as you settle down next to Mikasa. 

You’re well aware of everyone’s eyes on you, they’re probably expecting you to say something or at least look up, but you don’t. You focus on your tea, your eyes fixated on the cup’s handle for longer than intended. You just felt the need to come out and listen to some of the shit they say. When things were different, when you were different, you’d join them, recalling silly jokes your father had taught you. Eren can be quite the mood-maker sometimes, and tonight is one of the times you’re opting for it. 

And thus they continue their conversation, checking on you every few minutes, hoping for a reaction; an annoyed twitch of the eye even, anything that would indicate that you can still experience emotions. Hange rests their hand against your shoulder a few times, saying “Isn’t that right, y/n?” only to be met with a careless nod, as if you’re responding mechanically.

“Let her be, Hange, she obviously needs to do a few chores for her spirits to be lifted. You’ll clean up after dinner.”

Your cold gaze meets Levi’s, who you didn’t even notice is sitting right across the table. You take another sip from your tea, before pushing your chair backward.

“I’ll come back when everyone’s gone, _sir_.”

Levi is the very last person you want to be around right now. Every single person in Survey Corps knows of the huge fight that followed the expedition. The reason is unknown, of course, since both of you refuse to speak about it, but it’s enough just to know that you’re not so much on speaking terms.

You spend the next hours of the night fulfilling your duties, and when you go back to bed, you close your eyes in an attempt to bring yourself to a state of slumber. You can’t. Your troubled mind travels back in time, not far back, just a few weeks. And this is when you finally allow yourself to cry in silence.

**ii**

_You slam your hand against his desk, your eyes shooting flames towards him. Levi shakes his head, doing his best to keep his composure. He understands the pain you’re going through, he has experienced it himself in the worst way possible. He saved you because he’s selfish. He saved you because he doesn’t wish to feel such a thing again._

_“It was not your place, dammit! I had to be there for her, to open this motherfucker in half and pull its guts out! I had to take the remains of her body-”_

_“There was no time.”_

_“You took me away from my sister, you-”_

_“I saved your life, why can’t you say thank you and leave?”_

_You stop. You slowly retract your hand, using your other one to softly rub your wrist. Levi is right. You can’t avenge your sister’s death if you’re dead meat. You should be thankful for rescuing you at the very last moment. You should be thankful because he risked his own life to save yours. This is not Levi’s fault, not at all._

_It’s you, it’s all you._

_Your knees grow weak and you immediately give in, drained as you are. Levi quickly moves to your side, kneeling down beside you. His eyes are trying to study your expression as he contemplates resting his hand on your back. When he decides for it, you flinch._

_“Don’t, please.” You whisper, head down. You can’t look at him anymore, all this bottled up guilt is suffocating you. You have to leave, you have to give time to yourself to think._

_“You should have left me to die. I am nothing without her.”_

_“And **I** am nothing without you. **We** are nothing without you. We need you here, intact and strong. I didn’t choose you out of arbitrariness, y/n, I saw things in you and your sister. If anything, now that she’s gone you have to prove -”_

_You raise your shaky hand to caress his cold cheek that you’ve kissed more times than you can count. Levi has come to become your support system through the months, you grew close without using many sentences being said. Holding, defending, loving one another was enough._

_“Let’s not see each other again in private, yeah? People around me die, and I don’t want us to hurt so much again. If one of us gets killed. it’s really over for the other. I love you so much, and I have to stop...”_

And he lets you. Levi respects your wish because he knows you’re right. The one time he lets himself feel some kind of peace is the time he’ll doom himself to destruction.


End file.
